Instead of showing y’all what the best things were for me in 2019… I’d like to share my most difficult challenges. Some of them I overcame …. some of them I’m still trying to.
2019 was the 1st year in my life I had to live without my daddy…. and it’s one of those challenges I still haven’t quite overcome yet. Everything reminds me of him…His bday, the anniversary of the day he died… his funeral date, my bday, any holiday, certain jokes… or moments when I can apply his words of wisdom…. childhood memories….hell even deer hunting season makes me think of him … anytime I hear the blues I think of him. Anytime I get my heart broken I think of him because he was the one I would always run to and tell…. Most of my life advice came from him….phone convos that lasted for hours any time I would call him. My daddy was and is my everything …. life without him is taking some adjusting to for sure. I’ve actually never felt this type of sadness before in my life so I’m exploring new depths of my emotions, and figuring out ways to heal and cope. I also had a hard time dealing with the guilt of being away for so long…. I wish I had have came home more…. I wish I had have really pressed the issue of him coming to la. I really wanted him to see what his baby girl was up to and enjoy the southern culture I had managed to cultivated out here in LA. I wanted to make it because I wanted to take care of my parents… retire them and have them come live the life with me worry free……
About a week before my father passed…. I had wrote him a letter on the plane. I had just went home to visit him and he pretty much told me he was tired and about ready to give up the fight. I knew what he was saying to me and I just cried…. I remember him telling me he would find me again… and I remember being so moved my that because I have always felt like me and my stepdad had such a strong connection …. I would always say it felt like we knew each other in past lives and he came back to find me in this one…
On the plane back I wrote him a letter …. knowing that it would probably be my last words to him…. and I told myself I would send it off the next day….. but procrastination got the best of me….& when I finally went to go send it off a week later… my daddy died the next day…. really the night I sent it off….& when I tell y’all I’m still trying to figure out how to forgive myself for procrastinating with something so important to me knowing I didn’t have the luxury of time. This has been one of the harder pills to swallow.
*I’m grieving the loss of several relationships and friendships….
*I made more money than I ever have this year but I spent even more on expenses …. smdh
*I took a bunch of L’s this year…. especially with both The Crockpot and Tha Juice Joint.
*I STILL didn’t launch Hippie Chik officially smh. And I still didn’t start doing Makeup tutorials consistently lol.
*In this decade I’ve gotten scammed by so many fraudulent ass graphic designers, website ppl, and even a old homie who I paid to fix my credit smdh …. and the shit got me hot!!! STILL!!!!
- I didn’t accomplish half of the goals I had set for myself this year….. but I allowed myself to be more patient with me and my process of grieving my father… I just didn’t have that force and strength I normally could muster up…. I just didn’t have the fight in me this year(2019)…. but please believe I plan on getting up and kicking ass for all the years to come. My bounce back will be remarkable.
*I procrastinated profusely in 2019 …. I struggle with procrastinating and have been for years.
*I got my lil heart broken in so many ways by soooo many people …. and I’m piecing it back together gently and beautifully.
*2019 was that “wait… I ain’t even get a chance to get my shit together like I said I would” year lol
But 2020…… this is about to be my year of freedom and releasing ….. No fear, follow through, focus, excellent time management, self care, reading daily, eating 3 times a day, stretching every day, hitting goals, saving money, launching business and ideas, and more!! It’s time for me to stop being scared of myself and what I know I’m capable of! I’m about to shake shit up…. This is the year the Sleeping Giant in me is really about to wake up! -Melanesia Hunter